Hard Love by Ellen Wittlinger

Today was not good. Today was not easy. I should have been enjoying holiday and fresh air and beach but I sat in the porch of this summer house instead and did nothing. I wished I’d be somewhere else with someone else. I wished I’d be living a different life. So I did what I do every time I’m fed up with my life… I dreamt. I dreamt Paris. I remembered planning to take French course when I get back home. It felt good for a moment. Then I felt empty. Dream of Paris looked so far from me and I felt alone and naked. Because I was out of realizable dreams. I wanted to find one. I wanted to plan something to make one of my dreams come true. I checked my notional list. Falling in love. Having sex. Being loved. Changing the world. Making a difference. All of them required to be in touch with other people and I’m not good at getting on well with others. I’m fake when I’m with people. I’m not who I am. I gave up trying to act like I care what they talk about long time ago. I’m not even same person with every one of them. That’s not something I do on purpose. It’s a self-defense mechanism. But today when I realized I need people to live, I decided to live. I just don’t know how. That’s why I felt alone and naked. I have a dream which I cannot plan.